PPD

So as my due date closes in on me I am becoming more and more worried about suffering from PPD (Post Partum Depression) With my last child 8 years ago I was perfectly fine adjusted awesomely for the first 8 or so weeks. After that all hell broke loose. I lived away from all my friends but had my brother close by to help. But I started to become highly manic I wouldn't sleep for days and when I did I would only sleep for a couple hours. I would sit up all night cleaning franticly scrubbing the floor or preparing meals that had to be just perfect. Then my irrational fears set in. This was horrible, I can handle the manic phase but not this. It last months and months. I became so scared of the dark I would not leave my house after sunset not even on my own porch. I then started sleeping with all of the lights on thinking that someone would break in, I even got a dog. The anxiety was crippling when it started I would feel this horrible pain in my stomach and I would sit in the middle of the floor rocking and crying my eyes out til it passed, I would do this daily sometimes more then once. I was hyper paranoid that someone was going to hurt me or that they were out to get me. When you put this with the depression it was terrible. I would cry at commercials, and always think I was worthless. It didn't help that I was in a bad relationship or that I lived 3000 miles away from anyone with any baby experience at all.

I am so scared this will happen a second time around and that Brian wont understand and leave me like my last relationship did. I know I'm in a better place now I have support and we are able to deal with things better and I'm definitely not 16 anymore. But the fear is still there.

Brian doesn't understand PPD he thinks it is just about hating the baby but I never felt like that actually I was the complete opposite I was hyper vigilant with him I loved him to tears literally. He doesn't know what comes along with PPD and how it can affect every single part of your life. Because of this he blaims the women and I am so scared to even talk to him about this. But I know I should. I just don't know what to say or how to bring it up to make him understand.

I'm going to try to take the steps now of preventing it in the future. I can't feel like that again especially now that I have 2 kids to raise instead of just a little baby who doesn't know any different. I don't want to scare my son or make him look at me differently. So I'm going to have to talk to my doctor and get a plan together. Maybe start checking out therapists and make a appointment later in the pregnancy to have someone that I can rely on mentally if things go south. But until then I should get some info together and try to educate my husband wish me luck!